Five weeks and memories

Normalcy has been returned to my life... work... school... kids... rinse and repeat.

Tonight was a District Choir Festival, just one event in the long line of events for this week.

I was sitting there listening to one of the choirs singing... looking at their robes... thinking about the oldest and the last two times we were at this festival. The first time was two year ago and it was in the same place and my grandpa went to see her. I remember pointing out to him then how much she was looking like my grandma.

My grandpa hated music.. in fact as he was laying in the hospital bed... sooo sick... someone turned on some music and he was so mad and as soon as I walked in he asked me to change it. Once he was on the morphine he would get agitated if someone turned the TV from the History Chanel. So for him to go to a concert was simply to support and see the person performing.

So I started crying... thinking about him standing on the side... making sure he was seen... making sure they knew he supported them... even though he didn't care about the music itself... he cared about them.

It's funny how something so simple and ordinary as a choir concert can bring up so many emotions. It was unexpected but it was nice to think about him. The healing has begun.

One Month

It has been one month, likely one of the hardest months I have had to face in a long time.

While wounds are healing, others have been opened that will never heal.

You would be so sad to see your family like this.

You would be so hurt by the things being said and the things being done.

If you were here they would not be like this. If you were here they wouldn't be able to mask the blame.

If you were here they would not blame me for simply existing. If you were here you would make it all stop.

My family will never look the same again. One death has changed it forever.

Moving On

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life. ~Albert Einstein

While I move on with my life, the everyday routines creeping back in, I think of him.

How he would call on a Sunday while I was at work, because he forgot, and I would talk to him anyway.

How he would run by with pastries for the kids, even though I told him we didn't want any, and I would take them anyway.

How I would run by the house and walk in the door and he would be sleeping in his chair.

So much has changed in these few weeks, including being able to walk in that door.

I miss the comfort of my home and my family, but, that has been lost with him.

Things will never be the same, and relationships will never be repaired. Rumors will never be squelched. People will never know the truth, and never care that they don't know the truth.

Lives have been changed forever.

I have begun to move on, but I will never forget.

Hurtful days

Today was one of the most painful days I have had to get through in at least 2 weeks.

I went to Grandpa's house to go through my sister's items to pack them up for her friend. I had talked to my uncle about this weekend for most of the week. Informed him of what I was hoping to accomplish this weekend, and he sounded so agreeable.

I got there today and started in on the massive project that lay ahead of me and as I was just barely getting started a police officer walked in. Apparently my uncle had contacted the police because I had violated the tenant/landlord rights.

I was shocked... as I explained my side to the officer I could see his eyes soften... but I knew he couldn't do anything about this. I decided to just walk away and come back with a 24-hour intent to enter.

I am beyond hurt by this latest betrayal.

I ended up calling my uncle to let him know that I won't try to be civil anymore... and to let him know that he hurt me so bad. It wasn't a good call as I broke down.

I don't even know where to turn anymore. I feel betrayed by so many people today. Not many were supportive in my time of need. There was so many hurtful things said to me today that I can't even begin to process them all.

I keep thinking how people say "Karma will get them in the end" and I can't help thinking what I did so wrong. If bad Karma comes to those that are so bad then I must have been horrible at some point. I can't even think what I have done to deserve so many people being against me.

Tomorrow I will try to push through what has happened today... I don't know if I can.

Two Weeks

Today my 9 year old said, "It has been two weeks since great-grandpa died" and I said, "Yes, it has been." The next words out of her mouth brought tears to my eyes, and again as I type it. She said "Groundhogs day will never be the same for us."

First, the amount of empathy that she is showing is huge, plus the awareness that she has about what these days mean. I know that this loss has effected us all deeply, in ways I never would have even thought about.

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping today, and I woke up sad. I realized it was two weeks all day today, but I also realized that I have lost the last person in my family that I could truly count on to help me out, or to be there for me.

Now to be fair, my dad and step mom have been stepping up and really helping out a lot. I am cautiously accepting all of the help they are able to offer, but I keep waiting to be disappointed again.

I made it through the work day and started running errands with the girls. My cell phone rang and a familiar name popped up, I answered the phone and got greeted with unexpected questions. It was the foster father for my niece, it seems my uncle sent a text to the foster family to my nephew. They were all concerned about the news they had received. A week and a half ago my sister was arrested again, I believe for parole violation, but I have not heard anything about what is going on. I let them know what I did know and told them to please call me anytime.

While I was on that call I realized that I am the one now that everyone is going to turn to. Even more so now than before. Grandpa had made sure to keep a bond with the extended family that has been in foster care for 6.5 years.

I am the one that has to call everyone to keep them informed. It is a bit overwhelming to me. This was just a small example of a time when Grandpa would have made the phone calls. He would have carried this burden and never asked for help. Now it is up to me.

Two weeks, I suppose it will get easier. Today was not that day.

The Memorial

Today we attended the unofficial memorial for Grandpa. The senior center where he spent the last 10 years put together a memorial for him. The place was packed and they added extra chairs in the back for those that were not eating there.

The service was very simple and informal. There were people from the Airlines that had worked for him for 30 years. There were neighbors that came to say how wonderful he always was to them. He was a giving man who would do anything for anyone.

My girls were all in attendance and they did fabulous. These children are just amazing human beings. They were respectful and quiet. They did not interrupt and they did not argue when it was time to go. They mourned with the rest of the room over the loss of such a fabulous person.

There was a woman at the center who had a child that was as old as Grandpa. He had called her mom for years, and she spoke to what a wonderful man he was. She had lost her daughter years before, and he gladly became the surrogate.

He met my Grandma at a dance hall years before, and a member of the band was there to say that he came up for the last ten years and spoke of his wife. He loved her with all his heart and I truly believe they are together again.

I allowed myself to cry for the first time today, where I did not try to stop it. I mourned the loss for the first time since he left. Today was healing for many people.

In a few months we will take their ashes and fulfill their wishes. We will celebrate their lives as a family and we will enjoy the things they taught me to enjoy. Life goes on, but their memory will not fade.

One Week

Today was just a normal Wednesday. Work, Dr appt for one of the girls, dance after work. It wasn't until I was driving back to work after the Dr appt that I realized it was Wednesday and that today marks one week.

My day was over half over before it dawned on me. On one hand I was impressed that it went unnoticed, on the other hand it made me sad that I am already forgetting.

I know that as the days, week, months, and years pass by that I will forget more and more. That it gets easier because they aren't constantly on your mind, but maybe I don't want to forget.

Today was also a monumental moment in the family dynamics. My uncle, the one that lived at the house, apologized for being so horrible these last few days. It doesn't erase what was said and done, but it is a relief that I won't be fighting a battle from that side.

My sister has already left the house, and has had people come in to move some of her stuff out. I should be able to get into the house and start to make some decisions about the items in it.

This Friday the Senior Center is putting together a memorial. I have gotten pictures together for them to make a collage. I have let people know that we will be there and if they would like to say goodbye, that is the formal place. If they are not able to make it there, I am also letting them know where they can go to visit this amazing man.

Though it is good to move on, it is also hard to realize that the memory is fading. I will remember that he touched lives that we will never see, and because he existed so many of us were saved.