Back to the hospital

Yesterday, January 22, 2011, I had planned a very low key day. All four of my girls were away for the weekend and my husband was working all day. Sounds like something dreams are made of.

I spent most of the day relaxing and watching TV, around 4:30 I decided I should get up and get dressed to go see grandpa. I got up there at about 5:50 and walked into a smell that just assaulted the nose. He had apparently not been able to make it to the toilet, and they had been trying to keep up with it.

After the initial shock, I noticed that he was shaking again, and looked bad. I tried to feed him some dinner but he did not want to eat. Both of these are signs that things are not going well with his body.

He said he needed to go to the bathroom so I called the intern in to help him, but he needed additional help so he grabbed a bedpan. It was too late and another cleaning was needed.

The nurse came in to assess him again and I spoke with her. He had a fever and was disoriented again, definitely looking like another trip to the ER.

She called in the orders and I got ready to meet my husband at the house so we could take one car to the hospital, we stopped to get some food and to call our 9 year old, it was her birthday as well.

We arrived at the hospital about 8:30 and went back to see him, they had him in a larger room and were working on him so we sat in the waiting room for an hour waiting to be called back. Finally we went back to check on him.

It was determined that he had a urinary tract infection, and some other infections in his legs. His temp was 103 and they were having a hard time getting it lowered. He would be admitted again. We stayed until he was comfortably in his room at midnight and then headed back home.

While speaking with the admitting doctor we learned of a few more ailments and it was suggested that we just not bring him back in at some point. Basically, it was suggested that we let him die.

While this is hard to hear for most, I am level headed, and I know that if this were a pet I would have already put him out of his misery. I do not like seeing things/people suffer, and I realize that his quality of life is nowhere near where he would want it.

That will be an interesting conversation to have at some point.

This morning, January 23, 2011, as I was getting my tea, I received a call from the nurse in charge of him. He was "pissed off" and wanted to know why he wasn't being fed. He was not sure where he was and what was going on, but he was obviously feeling better.

I called my husband, but was unable to wake him, so I quickly ran home and asked him to go to the hospital to see what was happening. It turns out grandpa needed an ultrasound and was not able to eat because of that, he was not understanding this.

My husband got him breakfast and ordered lunch and dinner for him. He left when my aunt, my grandpa's youngest sister arrived.

I arrived after I took a test for school, he was sleeping so I let him sleep and dozed in the chair by his side. When dinner arrived I fed him and helped to get him settled for the night. I spoke with the nurse and made sure to let him know that I can be called at any time.

I got home in time to get my two youngest girls from my in laws and work on a little homework before crashing for the night.

His list of chronic ailments, that I can remember, includes:
failed liver
failing kidneys
small cell lymphoma and another type of leukemia
(the cancers are located in his lymph nodes in his lungs for now)
congestive heart failure
diabetes
enlarged prostate
over active thyroid
he has had a class A stroke(not sure what that is)
diabetic neuropathy

After reading this over I realized that this was a very clinical and emotionless entry. I am having a hard time allowing myself to process all the emotions that I feel at the moment over this situation. I am trying to stay level headed so that the best decisions can be made for the man in that bed at the hospital. Emotions, at this point, won't help to make him better or make the right decisions for him.

I pulled away last night while I was listening to the doctor's assessment and I have not allowed myself to feel all the grief that is building inside. There will be a time and a place for that, right now, I need to keep my focus and make sure that he is receiving what he needs from the staff, no matter where he is.