Getting Caught Up

Like most people in this situation, I have decided to blog about my experiences. It isn't to really help anyone but myself. My one selfish act.

A very close family member is dying. While we all are dying, his end is getting closer and closer. He is a man I have called Grandpa, but he is so much more than that. My grandpa was more of a father than I could have hoped for. He took my sister and I in when he definitely did not have to. Grandpa and Grandma were on their way to a happy existence, empty nest, and peaceful days. Instead, they took in a 2 year old and an infant, to raise as their own.

This was a time when this was not so "cool" to do. My family always stuck out from the others at school, but it was always my family.

Legally he adopted me when I was 9, and in the fourth grade.

It was 1980 and we were just getting ready for our Halloween party, we still had those back then. I got a call to come to the office where my sister and my biological father and soon to be step mom were waiting for me. I was informed that we were going to go away with them to their wedding, I was scared and unsure what was happening. Though I knew my father, I hadn't spent much time with him in years, and he had certainly never gone to the school before. As it turns out the school secretary knew something was up and called my grandmother. She was already on her way with cupcakes for the class parties, so she hurried up to ensure that we were not taken that day.

The rest of the adoption process was a bit of a blur, I remember being out of school for a few days while they got the legalities settled. I also remember being afraid that some men in an unmarked van were going to pull up and take me away. I had an over active imagination back then.

Nothing really changed in my life, I lived with my grandparents just as I had since I was a toddler.

We buried my grandmother 10 years ago last August. It was a pretty tough loss on us all. She was the mother my own mother never could be, and someone I looked up to. She helped to shape me into the woman I am today.

Now my grandfather is sick, and I am struggling to give him a death with dignity. To ensure that he is well cared for as his body betrays him. His organs are slowly shutting down, and he has been in and out of the hospital since June of 2010.

It was then that we learned of the failure or his liver. Because he had not been eating or drinking enough his kidneys were trying to shut down as well. Further testing also revealed a small cell lymphoma, that is centered in the lymph nodes in his lungs. As of November 2010 this had not spread to his bone marrow.

He is also a diabetic, and with that comes diabetic neuropathy, and he is no longer able to feel pain in many of his extremities. He gets sores on his feet and legs, and is not able to tell anyone how much they hurt, or even that they are there.

This last episode began as we rang in the New Year. I was called to the house that he owns, where my sister and uncle had been caring for him, because he was a little cranky and just out of it.

He had not eaten much that day and his blood sugars had not been checked. We talked over his care with my sister and uncle and I was told that he was getting to be a bit much for them to care for. His needs were getting to be greater than they were able to give. We discussed a few options and I had decided to come back and sit and talk with him.

The next day I stopped by after work and we discussed assisted living, and he had agreed to let me look at a few places and get a feel for them. On Monday I went to tour my first assisted living home, that night I took him to the hospital.

He was in the hospital from Monday evening, 01-03-11, until that Friday, 01-07-11. From the hospital he went into a skilled nursing facility, where they began to work on making him stronger so that he could live more independently.

He was healing well and looking good, but on Saturday, 01-15-11, I noticed some shaking. This indicates that his body is having some trouble. By Sunday night he was shaking pretty hard. On Monday I got a call at work letting me know he had fallen. I went to visit him Monday evening, he had just received his first does of a powerful drug to remove the ammonia from his system. I just had this feeling that he was not doing well. He fell asleep as we were visiting, but he was disoriented and agitated. I received a call asking me to come sit with him, since he does better if we are there.

We were able to cover most of the evening, and my husband went in on Tuesday morning to check on him. He was violent and agitated, and really just not doing well. Tuesday evening he was transported back to the hospital. Over the last few days he has regained some strength and all of his ability to recognize people.

It is rough to see him in the condition he is in now. He was the man I looked up to for so many years, and now, he is the man I will ensure has a death with as much dignity as I possibly can.

Tonight, 01-21-11, he is resting comfortably in his bed in the skilled nursing facility.