Comfort Care

**** This post started January 29, 2010****

Today I went to visit Grandpa. His sister Mary was there with her daughter Melissa. As soon as they went down to get some food the doctor came in with the nurse.

I knew something was up when they shut the door. He informed us that Grandpa's kidneys were not getting any better and were in fact getting worse. We talked through the options and Grandpa decided it was time to go. They will give him morphine orally and by IV as needed. They will no longer check his blood sugars or give him anything that would make him uncomfortable.

I cried as they talked, not because of anything other than I was afraid he would die alone.

I signed the papers for him to allow them to let him die a peaceful death filled with love and family.

This is not the "easy" way out or the selfish way out, but it is what he wants, so it is what he will get.

I took my oldest home and made the necessary calls and then headed back up to spend some time with him.

As I came into the hospital, my aunt, his sister, was leaving. She was taking the first night shift and would be back.

I came back to his room and there was a dramatic change to his room and to him. There were no more machines and no more interruptions. He was sleeping peacefully in his bed as my cousin sat and looked at old pictures. The room smelled of peppermint and the staff was compassionate as they entered. The entire hospital had transformed into what he wanted it to be.

The history channel is playing in the background... and he is sleeping comfortably.

On Sunday, January 30, 2011, I got up and went to work. It was tough to get up, but I made it in. Grandpa would be proud of me. My aunt called when she was ready to leave to see if someone would relieve her, there was no one. Around 1pm my biological father and step mom came up to see him.

I received a call as they walked in, telling me he looked comfortable and chubby. I explained that this was due to the kidney failure and his body was retaining fluids. I felt like they were accusing me of making the wrong choice. It brings back memories of being blamed for everything that happened. I am not afraid to make the tough choices, and with that brings questions.

As soon as I got off work I went up to be with him, planning on spending the night. I walked into a room full of people. All the love that was being shown for such an amazing man was heart warming.

I love this man so much that it hurts to see him in any pain at all.

His brother flew up to be with him, his brother's daughter was here with her oldest. My aunt was here with her son. My biological father and my step mom was here with their youngest son. My sister's youngest son and his father were here. They were here to say goodbye to man who gave his all to everyone around him. His only crime was that he cared too much for everyone else, and not enough for himself.

I watched as my aunt and her son leaned over him and said a prayer, their good byes, and their I love yous.

I know he can hear them, I can see it on his face. He has cried a few times at the acts of kindness, but his body can long produce the tears that it used to.

This is the time that we give back to him. I will do my best to be here to watch him take his last breath. I do realize that I have to work, that I have four children, and that the rest of life does not stop for one man's death.

Tonight, I have sat here and worked on my homework, while watching the man that has cared for me for the majority of my life, slip away. It is an honor to be able to be here with him and he goes to be with my grandmother, they can finally enjoy their time together. When my journey is done, I know they will be there waiting for me.