Yesterday, January 24, 2010, we took the girls up to see Grandpa. He really looked better and lit up when the girls came in, it was nice to see. He teared up a little as they gave him hugs and kisses.
He was able to put his glasses on by himself and was able to eat by himself.
When I saw him happy and stronger, I was relieved. I realized that I have been holding in the emotions and when I saw that he was getting better I felt less stress.
His youngest sister was leaving as we arrived, she has been amazing in helping with his care and really watching out for him.
I do wish that there was more family to share these responsibilities, I feel overwhelmed with all that I feel like I need to do. There is no way that just one person can do it all, and it amazes me that I continually try to take on the full burden myself..
Yesterday I worked, came home and worked on homework while my husband took our youngest to dance. He then came home and we took three out of the four girls to Arby's for dinner and then to the hospital. We came home so I could finish my homework and get the little girls to bed.
It is a daunting day for any one person, and I am catching a cold on top of it all. I ponder if I should even go visit him with a cold, but at the same time, I never want him to feel like we are abandoning him.
I know what that feels like, to have everyone that you have ever known and loved leave. I strive to prevent that feeling in others, which sometimes pushing myself past the point of exhaustion.
Tonight, January 25, 2010, I went up to see Grandpa alone.
He was doing even better tonight and really looked stronger. It is nice to see him so strong. His sister was leaving again as I got there, so it was a good trade off. I ordered his dinner and visited with him.
He made a comment about the weight I have gained over the years. It reminds me of the comments that my grandmother used to make about my weight and made me feel a little uncomfortable, almost like I needed to defend my right to be overweight. I am nearly 40 years old, I do not need to answer to them.
As the evening progressed I realized I would need to stay and help him eat, and so I contacts my 14 year old to let her know that I would be a little later. I then helped Grandpa to eat his dinner. He has been having issues swallowing lately, and tonight it ended in him vomiting up the macaroni and cheese that we ordered.
I don't know why he does it, but sometimes when he is drinking the liquids will almost foam up. This makes me think that he is having more trouble with his lungs than we had suspected. It is something that we need to talk to a doctor about, but I am never there when a doctor is there, and they aren't calling me daily this time.
While talking to him tonight, I have decided that we need to sit down and really outline his health issues with him. I would like him to make an informed decision. He "jokes" about wanting to just shoot himself, but I know this isn't really a joke.
His quality of life will not be what he wants it to be, and at some point we really do need to talk about what he wants to do. Does he want us to make him comfortable and let him die with dignity, or does he want us to take him back to the hospital and let them save him again. With his failing organs, it is a valid option to just let him die peacefully. It won't be an easy thing to watch for me, but I do believe it will be much more humane.
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