Moving On

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life. ~Albert Einstein

While I move on with my life, the everyday routines creeping back in, I think of him.

How he would call on a Sunday while I was at work, because he forgot, and I would talk to him anyway.

How he would run by with pastries for the kids, even though I told him we didn't want any, and I would take them anyway.

How I would run by the house and walk in the door and he would be sleeping in his chair.

So much has changed in these few weeks, including being able to walk in that door.

I miss the comfort of my home and my family, but, that has been lost with him.

Things will never be the same, and relationships will never be repaired. Rumors will never be squelched. People will never know the truth, and never care that they don't know the truth.

Lives have been changed forever.

I have begun to move on, but I will never forget.

Hurtful days

Today was one of the most painful days I have had to get through in at least 2 weeks.

I went to Grandpa's house to go through my sister's items to pack them up for her friend. I had talked to my uncle about this weekend for most of the week. Informed him of what I was hoping to accomplish this weekend, and he sounded so agreeable.

I got there today and started in on the massive project that lay ahead of me and as I was just barely getting started a police officer walked in. Apparently my uncle had contacted the police because I had violated the tenant/landlord rights.

I was shocked... as I explained my side to the officer I could see his eyes soften... but I knew he couldn't do anything about this. I decided to just walk away and come back with a 24-hour intent to enter.

I am beyond hurt by this latest betrayal.

I ended up calling my uncle to let him know that I won't try to be civil anymore... and to let him know that he hurt me so bad. It wasn't a good call as I broke down.

I don't even know where to turn anymore. I feel betrayed by so many people today. Not many were supportive in my time of need. There was so many hurtful things said to me today that I can't even begin to process them all.

I keep thinking how people say "Karma will get them in the end" and I can't help thinking what I did so wrong. If bad Karma comes to those that are so bad then I must have been horrible at some point. I can't even think what I have done to deserve so many people being against me.

Tomorrow I will try to push through what has happened today... I don't know if I can.

Two Weeks

Today my 9 year old said, "It has been two weeks since great-grandpa died" and I said, "Yes, it has been." The next words out of her mouth brought tears to my eyes, and again as I type it. She said "Groundhogs day will never be the same for us."

First, the amount of empathy that she is showing is huge, plus the awareness that she has about what these days mean. I know that this loss has effected us all deeply, in ways I never would have even thought about.

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping today, and I woke up sad. I realized it was two weeks all day today, but I also realized that I have lost the last person in my family that I could truly count on to help me out, or to be there for me.

Now to be fair, my dad and step mom have been stepping up and really helping out a lot. I am cautiously accepting all of the help they are able to offer, but I keep waiting to be disappointed again.

I made it through the work day and started running errands with the girls. My cell phone rang and a familiar name popped up, I answered the phone and got greeted with unexpected questions. It was the foster father for my niece, it seems my uncle sent a text to the foster family to my nephew. They were all concerned about the news they had received. A week and a half ago my sister was arrested again, I believe for parole violation, but I have not heard anything about what is going on. I let them know what I did know and told them to please call me anytime.

While I was on that call I realized that I am the one now that everyone is going to turn to. Even more so now than before. Grandpa had made sure to keep a bond with the extended family that has been in foster care for 6.5 years.

I am the one that has to call everyone to keep them informed. It is a bit overwhelming to me. This was just a small example of a time when Grandpa would have made the phone calls. He would have carried this burden and never asked for help. Now it is up to me.

Two weeks, I suppose it will get easier. Today was not that day.

The Memorial

Today we attended the unofficial memorial for Grandpa. The senior center where he spent the last 10 years put together a memorial for him. The place was packed and they added extra chairs in the back for those that were not eating there.

The service was very simple and informal. There were people from the Airlines that had worked for him for 30 years. There were neighbors that came to say how wonderful he always was to them. He was a giving man who would do anything for anyone.

My girls were all in attendance and they did fabulous. These children are just amazing human beings. They were respectful and quiet. They did not interrupt and they did not argue when it was time to go. They mourned with the rest of the room over the loss of such a fabulous person.

There was a woman at the center who had a child that was as old as Grandpa. He had called her mom for years, and she spoke to what a wonderful man he was. She had lost her daughter years before, and he gladly became the surrogate.

He met my Grandma at a dance hall years before, and a member of the band was there to say that he came up for the last ten years and spoke of his wife. He loved her with all his heart and I truly believe they are together again.

I allowed myself to cry for the first time today, where I did not try to stop it. I mourned the loss for the first time since he left. Today was healing for many people.

In a few months we will take their ashes and fulfill their wishes. We will celebrate their lives as a family and we will enjoy the things they taught me to enjoy. Life goes on, but their memory will not fade.

One Week

Today was just a normal Wednesday. Work, Dr appt for one of the girls, dance after work. It wasn't until I was driving back to work after the Dr appt that I realized it was Wednesday and that today marks one week.

My day was over half over before it dawned on me. On one hand I was impressed that it went unnoticed, on the other hand it made me sad that I am already forgetting.

I know that as the days, week, months, and years pass by that I will forget more and more. That it gets easier because they aren't constantly on your mind, but maybe I don't want to forget.

Today was also a monumental moment in the family dynamics. My uncle, the one that lived at the house, apologized for being so horrible these last few days. It doesn't erase what was said and done, but it is a relief that I won't be fighting a battle from that side.

My sister has already left the house, and has had people come in to move some of her stuff out. I should be able to get into the house and start to make some decisions about the items in it.

This Friday the Senior Center is putting together a memorial. I have gotten pictures together for them to make a collage. I have let people know that we will be there and if they would like to say goodbye, that is the formal place. If they are not able to make it there, I am also letting them know where they can go to visit this amazing man.

Though it is good to move on, it is also hard to realize that the memory is fading. I will remember that he touched lives that we will never see, and because he existed so many of us were saved.

Quiet Sundays

I generally work on Sundays, but I am still on bereavement leave and had the day off. It was a much needed quiet day that I spent at home. I scanned some photos, I worked on my homework, I did some laundry, and some dishes. All in all it was a "normal" day.

Unfortunately it was a day where I missed him more than any other. Yesterday I would have called him in the middle of a breakdown to offer support. Finding a replacement for him will be so difficult, or nearly impossible.

I made some phone calls, ensuring that everyone I can think of knows of the memorial that is being held at the North Plains Senior Center.

It is more than odd having a normal day in the midst of all of this chaos. Are special occasions going to be the hardest, or are the everyday events where I miss hearing his voice?

I don't know if time does heal all wounds, I do know that this will get easier and harder at the same time. He meant more to me than even I realized and I will miss his presence.

The next few months will prove to be difficult, but I am strong because he raised me.

This is a Nightmare

I am a generally easy going person. It takes a lot to rattle me and to get me upset.

Today I logged into a Facebook to just look at Grandpa's picture on his page.

He has been removed from my Facebook friends page and I can no longer locate him. Was the account deleted or did I get blocked. I have no idea, but either way this is just one more attack against me when I cannot take much more.

I will rally and I will be ok, but why must people be so petty and mean. I am simply trying to follow the law and execute the estate in the manner that the deceased wanted. They are standing in my way at every turn. This seems like it would be against the law, since what I am doing is within the law.

The pain that I am being put through is felt through the lives of everyone my life touches. Each of my children are feeling my pain, seeing it in my eyes. My husband, my friends, any one I come into contact with.

I am at a loss as to what to do next. I know what I can do within confines of the law, and I will be pursuing every avenue available to me, but why should I have to.

I did not make these choices, I am simply trying to follow through with the choices made by others. I am not the bad guy, I am the person trying to do the right thing.

The pain I feel tonight is palpable. It is far reaching. It only strengthens my resolve.

I am not the meek person that I am thought to be. I will not be walked over and I will not back down simply because this is too hard.

The Aftermath

I knew that the rest of my family would be unhappy with the choices that my Grandpa had made. I do know all the decisions he made at this time, and I have to say that I am unhappy with them as well.

He has made me the executor of his estate, this part I am ok with since he knew I would do what he wanted and fairly. Unfortunately this also leaves me with some large responsibilities.

Let us start with the duties and definition of an executor:

"It's both an honor and a burden to serve as someone's executor. An executor is entrusted with responsibility for winding up someone's earthly affairs -- a big or little task, depending on the situation. Essentially, an executor is charged with protecting a deceased person's property until all debts and taxes have been paid, and seeing that what's left is transferred to the people who are entitled to it."

Taken from this website: http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/article-30236.html

Today I was emailing the funeral home back and forth, making the final arrangements for the body of my Grandfather. The director I was emailing with asked me if any one else would like to view the body before the cremation took place. I knew that I did not wish to and I was fairly certain that his sister and brother had spent enough time with him last night, but my sister and my uncle did not have a chance to see him after he died. I debated calling them but then decided it was the right and fair thing to do.

I had slept in this morning and my oldest daughter had taken the day off of school, she was taking this death rather hard. We decided to get some lunch, and decided a little retail therapy might be in order. We headed to the mall.

While we were having lunch I decided to make a call to my Grandpa's house, my sister and uncle lived in the house before he got sick and passed, so they are still there. There was no answer and the machine did not pick up, this was odd but I figured I would call back later.

A few moments later my phone rang and it was the house calling me. My uncle was on the other end of the phone, he asked me if I had a copy of the will. I do. He then asked me if I was the executor of the will. I am. He then asked if there was documentation proving this to be true. There is. He then said words that I try hard never to say. I then informed him that I had called to see if he would like to view the body before it was cremated. He said he would like to. I told him I would call the home and set up the viewing.

I then made a call to the funeral home and set up a viewing as well as picking up paperwork that I need to fill out. I called back to the house and left a message, I needed to know if this worked for them. An hour passed and I did not get a call back, so I called back to see if they received the message and if this was ok. My uncle curtly said yes and hung up on me.

My daughter and I were on our way to Target when my step mom called to let me know that my uncle and sister were beyond mad at me and threatening me. Basically a warning not to show up at the house alone.

This upsets me greatly on many levels, I am a non violent and non confrontational person by nature. The fact that someone is so mad at me that they are threatening physical harm makes me shake. Mad, scared, or just plain upset, it is hard to discern the emotions.

I called my husband to let him know and he suggested that I not be at the viewing today and he then called the lawyer. The lawyer advised us to drop off the certified copies of the will and to leave, not to have it read publicly, but to just let them read it for themselves.

We have made arrangements to do so.

I went to the funeral home to pick up the paperwork. We then went by the house to pick up my Grandma's ashes, the funeral home will mix them for me, and Grandpa's computer. I would like to email his friends and let them know of his passing and get any important information off of the computer for me to complete my duties as executor.

My sister has expressed an interest in having the computer, I will gladly put a price on all the items and let her take that amount out of her share of the inheritance, just as I will do with every other item in that house.

Later I learned that my uncle either was going to or had called the police to let them know that I had taken the computer. Unfortunately my children were with me when I got this call. They went to bed worried that I would go to jail, and missing their Great-Grandpa.

It is truly sad that my children and myself have not been given the proper amount of time to mourn the loss of a loved one. That instead the focus has been put on fighting with those that are left and fearing for my safety.

I am afraid of what will happen in the next few weeks. I fear for the safety of myself, and the security of my children.

It is truly heartbreaking to know that the people that I called family would treat me as they have. It was less than 24 hours after the man who raised us and took care of us, took his last breath, when this began.

I do thank everyone that has been supportive, and would like everyone else to know that I am stronger than you think I am.

The End

The vigil continued last night, my husband and myself sat up there with Grandpa, ensuring that he got the pain killers every hour. I was so exhausted I slept in a hospital recliner and only woke up a few times.

My husband made sure the medicine was administered throughout the night, and then I took over this morning.

My Grandpa's favorite nurse came in this morning and was sadly shocked to see him still here. She came over to me and said, "You need to go home for a bit, I will make sure he is ok." and I knew she would.

I spent the remainder of the morning tearing up and watching him, thinking about all the good times we had and how much he loved me.

My uncle/brother, who has lived with my grandparents for years, showed up to see his step dad. We talked, it was mainly about the will, speculations about what is in it and who gets what. We talked about the house and about the stuff in the house.

I have asked that they separate their stuff, as other family members have expressed interest in wanting some of the items. I am all for people taking something special that makes them think about a loved one, so I encourage it.

The conversation did not go well and I finally asked that we not talk about this while I am holding my vigil for this great father.

I left around noon, and stopped and had a salad for lunch. I made it home to take a shower and sit for a moment before the little girls showed up from school. After bathing them I laid down for 30 minutes, my body is seriously exhausted. I took the 9 year old to dance and then headed up to the hospital.

I was in the parking lot getting ready to head in when Grandpa's brother called to tell me he had taken his last breath. I thought I would feel guilt for not being there, but I felt relief that his only brother was able to be there for that moment.

My uncle and I made phone calls while standing on either side of the bed. He called his children and his sister that has been very close to us and helped us keep vigil as well.

I called my Grandpa's children and let them know.

My uncle went to pick up my aunt and while he was gone his daughter called to check on Grandpa, she had missed the message. She told me that when she had Grandpa to dinner 6 months ago that he praised me and was so proud of me.

He never really said it much, but I knew he was proud of me. It was so nice to hear that at this time.

This man was such a great man. He was so well loved and like by so many. He touched lives that I am just now learning about. If we had a memorial, that place would be packed, standing room only.

Grandpa was against a memorial, and has asked that we skip it. I am here to ensure that his wishes are met and what he wanted is accomplished. I will fight for this man until the end. I will not allow anyone to disrespect his memory.

He received his death with dignity, I stayed with him until they took him down to the morgue.

Grandpa, you will be missed more than you will know.

The Vigil begins

Yesterday, January 31, 2011, I went to work as normal and then arrived at the hospital at about 4:30 pm.

It was a day I had planned on staying at home and sleeping in my own bed, once I arrived I knew that was not to happen. Grandpa's breathing had begun to slow and his heart rate was slowing, we all thought it would be the night. I made arrangements to stay here and began to make phone calls.

At 4:30 pm he stopped swallowing, so we were asked to not swab his mouth any longer. All medication would need to be given through his IV. He started to take Fentanyl and a Valium type drug through his IV and he receives atropine orally for the mucus build up in his throat.

He can have the Fentanyl every hour and the Valium every 5 minutes. He began that and we have kept it up as long as he appears to be struggling. Sometime in the night he breathing slowed to 3 times per minute and we were sure this was it. He rallied and began to breath more frequently, and got up to 16 breaths per minute during the first day of February.

I have chosen to stay with him as much as I can, as his end is growing near. His sister and brother have stayed as much as they can, and my biological father stayed the night, last night, as well.

He had many visitors and many well wishes have come through phone calls and emails. I have been in tears most of the past two days. I have enjoyed some quiet time with this man, and really have made the most of our last moments together.

While I know everyone mourns differently, I do not understand why some people won't come see him until it is nearly too late. He may be able to hear us, but he can't say what he wants to say to us anymore. I am very happy that I was able to talk to him in the last few days he was conscious.

We said what was in our hearts, and I will never regret the time I have devoted to him. He would have done it for me, and this is the last tribute I can give to him