Five weeks and memories

Normalcy has been returned to my life... work... school... kids... rinse and repeat.

Tonight was a District Choir Festival, just one event in the long line of events for this week.

I was sitting there listening to one of the choirs singing... looking at their robes... thinking about the oldest and the last two times we were at this festival. The first time was two year ago and it was in the same place and my grandpa went to see her. I remember pointing out to him then how much she was looking like my grandma.

My grandpa hated music.. in fact as he was laying in the hospital bed... sooo sick... someone turned on some music and he was so mad and as soon as I walked in he asked me to change it. Once he was on the morphine he would get agitated if someone turned the TV from the History Chanel. So for him to go to a concert was simply to support and see the person performing.

So I started crying... thinking about him standing on the side... making sure he was seen... making sure they knew he supported them... even though he didn't care about the music itself... he cared about them.

It's funny how something so simple and ordinary as a choir concert can bring up so many emotions. It was unexpected but it was nice to think about him. The healing has begun.

One Month

It has been one month, likely one of the hardest months I have had to face in a long time.

While wounds are healing, others have been opened that will never heal.

You would be so sad to see your family like this.

You would be so hurt by the things being said and the things being done.

If you were here they would not be like this. If you were here they wouldn't be able to mask the blame.

If you were here they would not blame me for simply existing. If you were here you would make it all stop.

My family will never look the same again. One death has changed it forever.

Moving On

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life. ~Albert Einstein

While I move on with my life, the everyday routines creeping back in, I think of him.

How he would call on a Sunday while I was at work, because he forgot, and I would talk to him anyway.

How he would run by with pastries for the kids, even though I told him we didn't want any, and I would take them anyway.

How I would run by the house and walk in the door and he would be sleeping in his chair.

So much has changed in these few weeks, including being able to walk in that door.

I miss the comfort of my home and my family, but, that has been lost with him.

Things will never be the same, and relationships will never be repaired. Rumors will never be squelched. People will never know the truth, and never care that they don't know the truth.

Lives have been changed forever.

I have begun to move on, but I will never forget.

Hurtful days

Today was one of the most painful days I have had to get through in at least 2 weeks.

I went to Grandpa's house to go through my sister's items to pack them up for her friend. I had talked to my uncle about this weekend for most of the week. Informed him of what I was hoping to accomplish this weekend, and he sounded so agreeable.

I got there today and started in on the massive project that lay ahead of me and as I was just barely getting started a police officer walked in. Apparently my uncle had contacted the police because I had violated the tenant/landlord rights.

I was shocked... as I explained my side to the officer I could see his eyes soften... but I knew he couldn't do anything about this. I decided to just walk away and come back with a 24-hour intent to enter.

I am beyond hurt by this latest betrayal.

I ended up calling my uncle to let him know that I won't try to be civil anymore... and to let him know that he hurt me so bad. It wasn't a good call as I broke down.

I don't even know where to turn anymore. I feel betrayed by so many people today. Not many were supportive in my time of need. There was so many hurtful things said to me today that I can't even begin to process them all.

I keep thinking how people say "Karma will get them in the end" and I can't help thinking what I did so wrong. If bad Karma comes to those that are so bad then I must have been horrible at some point. I can't even think what I have done to deserve so many people being against me.

Tomorrow I will try to push through what has happened today... I don't know if I can.

Two Weeks

Today my 9 year old said, "It has been two weeks since great-grandpa died" and I said, "Yes, it has been." The next words out of her mouth brought tears to my eyes, and again as I type it. She said "Groundhogs day will never be the same for us."

First, the amount of empathy that she is showing is huge, plus the awareness that she has about what these days mean. I know that this loss has effected us all deeply, in ways I never would have even thought about.

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping today, and I woke up sad. I realized it was two weeks all day today, but I also realized that I have lost the last person in my family that I could truly count on to help me out, or to be there for me.

Now to be fair, my dad and step mom have been stepping up and really helping out a lot. I am cautiously accepting all of the help they are able to offer, but I keep waiting to be disappointed again.

I made it through the work day and started running errands with the girls. My cell phone rang and a familiar name popped up, I answered the phone and got greeted with unexpected questions. It was the foster father for my niece, it seems my uncle sent a text to the foster family to my nephew. They were all concerned about the news they had received. A week and a half ago my sister was arrested again, I believe for parole violation, but I have not heard anything about what is going on. I let them know what I did know and told them to please call me anytime.

While I was on that call I realized that I am the one now that everyone is going to turn to. Even more so now than before. Grandpa had made sure to keep a bond with the extended family that has been in foster care for 6.5 years.

I am the one that has to call everyone to keep them informed. It is a bit overwhelming to me. This was just a small example of a time when Grandpa would have made the phone calls. He would have carried this burden and never asked for help. Now it is up to me.

Two weeks, I suppose it will get easier. Today was not that day.

The Memorial

Today we attended the unofficial memorial for Grandpa. The senior center where he spent the last 10 years put together a memorial for him. The place was packed and they added extra chairs in the back for those that were not eating there.

The service was very simple and informal. There were people from the Airlines that had worked for him for 30 years. There were neighbors that came to say how wonderful he always was to them. He was a giving man who would do anything for anyone.

My girls were all in attendance and they did fabulous. These children are just amazing human beings. They were respectful and quiet. They did not interrupt and they did not argue when it was time to go. They mourned with the rest of the room over the loss of such a fabulous person.

There was a woman at the center who had a child that was as old as Grandpa. He had called her mom for years, and she spoke to what a wonderful man he was. She had lost her daughter years before, and he gladly became the surrogate.

He met my Grandma at a dance hall years before, and a member of the band was there to say that he came up for the last ten years and spoke of his wife. He loved her with all his heart and I truly believe they are together again.

I allowed myself to cry for the first time today, where I did not try to stop it. I mourned the loss for the first time since he left. Today was healing for many people.

In a few months we will take their ashes and fulfill their wishes. We will celebrate their lives as a family and we will enjoy the things they taught me to enjoy. Life goes on, but their memory will not fade.

One Week

Today was just a normal Wednesday. Work, Dr appt for one of the girls, dance after work. It wasn't until I was driving back to work after the Dr appt that I realized it was Wednesday and that today marks one week.

My day was over half over before it dawned on me. On one hand I was impressed that it went unnoticed, on the other hand it made me sad that I am already forgetting.

I know that as the days, week, months, and years pass by that I will forget more and more. That it gets easier because they aren't constantly on your mind, but maybe I don't want to forget.

Today was also a monumental moment in the family dynamics. My uncle, the one that lived at the house, apologized for being so horrible these last few days. It doesn't erase what was said and done, but it is a relief that I won't be fighting a battle from that side.

My sister has already left the house, and has had people come in to move some of her stuff out. I should be able to get into the house and start to make some decisions about the items in it.

This Friday the Senior Center is putting together a memorial. I have gotten pictures together for them to make a collage. I have let people know that we will be there and if they would like to say goodbye, that is the formal place. If they are not able to make it there, I am also letting them know where they can go to visit this amazing man.

Though it is good to move on, it is also hard to realize that the memory is fading. I will remember that he touched lives that we will never see, and because he existed so many of us were saved.

Quiet Sundays

I generally work on Sundays, but I am still on bereavement leave and had the day off. It was a much needed quiet day that I spent at home. I scanned some photos, I worked on my homework, I did some laundry, and some dishes. All in all it was a "normal" day.

Unfortunately it was a day where I missed him more than any other. Yesterday I would have called him in the middle of a breakdown to offer support. Finding a replacement for him will be so difficult, or nearly impossible.

I made some phone calls, ensuring that everyone I can think of knows of the memorial that is being held at the North Plains Senior Center.

It is more than odd having a normal day in the midst of all of this chaos. Are special occasions going to be the hardest, or are the everyday events where I miss hearing his voice?

I don't know if time does heal all wounds, I do know that this will get easier and harder at the same time. He meant more to me than even I realized and I will miss his presence.

The next few months will prove to be difficult, but I am strong because he raised me.

This is a Nightmare

I am a generally easy going person. It takes a lot to rattle me and to get me upset.

Today I logged into a Facebook to just look at Grandpa's picture on his page.

He has been removed from my Facebook friends page and I can no longer locate him. Was the account deleted or did I get blocked. I have no idea, but either way this is just one more attack against me when I cannot take much more.

I will rally and I will be ok, but why must people be so petty and mean. I am simply trying to follow the law and execute the estate in the manner that the deceased wanted. They are standing in my way at every turn. This seems like it would be against the law, since what I am doing is within the law.

The pain that I am being put through is felt through the lives of everyone my life touches. Each of my children are feeling my pain, seeing it in my eyes. My husband, my friends, any one I come into contact with.

I am at a loss as to what to do next. I know what I can do within confines of the law, and I will be pursuing every avenue available to me, but why should I have to.

I did not make these choices, I am simply trying to follow through with the choices made by others. I am not the bad guy, I am the person trying to do the right thing.

The pain I feel tonight is palpable. It is far reaching. It only strengthens my resolve.

I am not the meek person that I am thought to be. I will not be walked over and I will not back down simply because this is too hard.

The Aftermath

I knew that the rest of my family would be unhappy with the choices that my Grandpa had made. I do know all the decisions he made at this time, and I have to say that I am unhappy with them as well.

He has made me the executor of his estate, this part I am ok with since he knew I would do what he wanted and fairly. Unfortunately this also leaves me with some large responsibilities.

Let us start with the duties and definition of an executor:

"It's both an honor and a burden to serve as someone's executor. An executor is entrusted with responsibility for winding up someone's earthly affairs -- a big or little task, depending on the situation. Essentially, an executor is charged with protecting a deceased person's property until all debts and taxes have been paid, and seeing that what's left is transferred to the people who are entitled to it."

Taken from this website: http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/article-30236.html

Today I was emailing the funeral home back and forth, making the final arrangements for the body of my Grandfather. The director I was emailing with asked me if any one else would like to view the body before the cremation took place. I knew that I did not wish to and I was fairly certain that his sister and brother had spent enough time with him last night, but my sister and my uncle did not have a chance to see him after he died. I debated calling them but then decided it was the right and fair thing to do.

I had slept in this morning and my oldest daughter had taken the day off of school, she was taking this death rather hard. We decided to get some lunch, and decided a little retail therapy might be in order. We headed to the mall.

While we were having lunch I decided to make a call to my Grandpa's house, my sister and uncle lived in the house before he got sick and passed, so they are still there. There was no answer and the machine did not pick up, this was odd but I figured I would call back later.

A few moments later my phone rang and it was the house calling me. My uncle was on the other end of the phone, he asked me if I had a copy of the will. I do. He then asked me if I was the executor of the will. I am. He then asked if there was documentation proving this to be true. There is. He then said words that I try hard never to say. I then informed him that I had called to see if he would like to view the body before it was cremated. He said he would like to. I told him I would call the home and set up the viewing.

I then made a call to the funeral home and set up a viewing as well as picking up paperwork that I need to fill out. I called back to the house and left a message, I needed to know if this worked for them. An hour passed and I did not get a call back, so I called back to see if they received the message and if this was ok. My uncle curtly said yes and hung up on me.

My daughter and I were on our way to Target when my step mom called to let me know that my uncle and sister were beyond mad at me and threatening me. Basically a warning not to show up at the house alone.

This upsets me greatly on many levels, I am a non violent and non confrontational person by nature. The fact that someone is so mad at me that they are threatening physical harm makes me shake. Mad, scared, or just plain upset, it is hard to discern the emotions.

I called my husband to let him know and he suggested that I not be at the viewing today and he then called the lawyer. The lawyer advised us to drop off the certified copies of the will and to leave, not to have it read publicly, but to just let them read it for themselves.

We have made arrangements to do so.

I went to the funeral home to pick up the paperwork. We then went by the house to pick up my Grandma's ashes, the funeral home will mix them for me, and Grandpa's computer. I would like to email his friends and let them know of his passing and get any important information off of the computer for me to complete my duties as executor.

My sister has expressed an interest in having the computer, I will gladly put a price on all the items and let her take that amount out of her share of the inheritance, just as I will do with every other item in that house.

Later I learned that my uncle either was going to or had called the police to let them know that I had taken the computer. Unfortunately my children were with me when I got this call. They went to bed worried that I would go to jail, and missing their Great-Grandpa.

It is truly sad that my children and myself have not been given the proper amount of time to mourn the loss of a loved one. That instead the focus has been put on fighting with those that are left and fearing for my safety.

I am afraid of what will happen in the next few weeks. I fear for the safety of myself, and the security of my children.

It is truly heartbreaking to know that the people that I called family would treat me as they have. It was less than 24 hours after the man who raised us and took care of us, took his last breath, when this began.

I do thank everyone that has been supportive, and would like everyone else to know that I am stronger than you think I am.

The End

The vigil continued last night, my husband and myself sat up there with Grandpa, ensuring that he got the pain killers every hour. I was so exhausted I slept in a hospital recliner and only woke up a few times.

My husband made sure the medicine was administered throughout the night, and then I took over this morning.

My Grandpa's favorite nurse came in this morning and was sadly shocked to see him still here. She came over to me and said, "You need to go home for a bit, I will make sure he is ok." and I knew she would.

I spent the remainder of the morning tearing up and watching him, thinking about all the good times we had and how much he loved me.

My uncle/brother, who has lived with my grandparents for years, showed up to see his step dad. We talked, it was mainly about the will, speculations about what is in it and who gets what. We talked about the house and about the stuff in the house.

I have asked that they separate their stuff, as other family members have expressed interest in wanting some of the items. I am all for people taking something special that makes them think about a loved one, so I encourage it.

The conversation did not go well and I finally asked that we not talk about this while I am holding my vigil for this great father.

I left around noon, and stopped and had a salad for lunch. I made it home to take a shower and sit for a moment before the little girls showed up from school. After bathing them I laid down for 30 minutes, my body is seriously exhausted. I took the 9 year old to dance and then headed up to the hospital.

I was in the parking lot getting ready to head in when Grandpa's brother called to tell me he had taken his last breath. I thought I would feel guilt for not being there, but I felt relief that his only brother was able to be there for that moment.

My uncle and I made phone calls while standing on either side of the bed. He called his children and his sister that has been very close to us and helped us keep vigil as well.

I called my Grandpa's children and let them know.

My uncle went to pick up my aunt and while he was gone his daughter called to check on Grandpa, she had missed the message. She told me that when she had Grandpa to dinner 6 months ago that he praised me and was so proud of me.

He never really said it much, but I knew he was proud of me. It was so nice to hear that at this time.

This man was such a great man. He was so well loved and like by so many. He touched lives that I am just now learning about. If we had a memorial, that place would be packed, standing room only.

Grandpa was against a memorial, and has asked that we skip it. I am here to ensure that his wishes are met and what he wanted is accomplished. I will fight for this man until the end. I will not allow anyone to disrespect his memory.

He received his death with dignity, I stayed with him until they took him down to the morgue.

Grandpa, you will be missed more than you will know.

The Vigil begins

Yesterday, January 31, 2011, I went to work as normal and then arrived at the hospital at about 4:30 pm.

It was a day I had planned on staying at home and sleeping in my own bed, once I arrived I knew that was not to happen. Grandpa's breathing had begun to slow and his heart rate was slowing, we all thought it would be the night. I made arrangements to stay here and began to make phone calls.

At 4:30 pm he stopped swallowing, so we were asked to not swab his mouth any longer. All medication would need to be given through his IV. He started to take Fentanyl and a Valium type drug through his IV and he receives atropine orally for the mucus build up in his throat.

He can have the Fentanyl every hour and the Valium every 5 minutes. He began that and we have kept it up as long as he appears to be struggling. Sometime in the night he breathing slowed to 3 times per minute and we were sure this was it. He rallied and began to breath more frequently, and got up to 16 breaths per minute during the first day of February.

I have chosen to stay with him as much as I can, as his end is growing near. His sister and brother have stayed as much as they can, and my biological father stayed the night, last night, as well.

He had many visitors and many well wishes have come through phone calls and emails. I have been in tears most of the past two days. I have enjoyed some quiet time with this man, and really have made the most of our last moments together.

While I know everyone mourns differently, I do not understand why some people won't come see him until it is nearly too late. He may be able to hear us, but he can't say what he wants to say to us anymore. I am very happy that I was able to talk to him in the last few days he was conscious.

We said what was in our hearts, and I will never regret the time I have devoted to him. He would have done it for me, and this is the last tribute I can give to him

Comfort Care

**** This post started January 29, 2010****

Today I went to visit Grandpa. His sister Mary was there with her daughter Melissa. As soon as they went down to get some food the doctor came in with the nurse.

I knew something was up when they shut the door. He informed us that Grandpa's kidneys were not getting any better and were in fact getting worse. We talked through the options and Grandpa decided it was time to go. They will give him morphine orally and by IV as needed. They will no longer check his blood sugars or give him anything that would make him uncomfortable.

I cried as they talked, not because of anything other than I was afraid he would die alone.

I signed the papers for him to allow them to let him die a peaceful death filled with love and family.

This is not the "easy" way out or the selfish way out, but it is what he wants, so it is what he will get.

I took my oldest home and made the necessary calls and then headed back up to spend some time with him.

As I came into the hospital, my aunt, his sister, was leaving. She was taking the first night shift and would be back.

I came back to his room and there was a dramatic change to his room and to him. There were no more machines and no more interruptions. He was sleeping peacefully in his bed as my cousin sat and looked at old pictures. The room smelled of peppermint and the staff was compassionate as they entered. The entire hospital had transformed into what he wanted it to be.

The history channel is playing in the background... and he is sleeping comfortably.

On Sunday, January 30, 2011, I got up and went to work. It was tough to get up, but I made it in. Grandpa would be proud of me. My aunt called when she was ready to leave to see if someone would relieve her, there was no one. Around 1pm my biological father and step mom came up to see him.

I received a call as they walked in, telling me he looked comfortable and chubby. I explained that this was due to the kidney failure and his body was retaining fluids. I felt like they were accusing me of making the wrong choice. It brings back memories of being blamed for everything that happened. I am not afraid to make the tough choices, and with that brings questions.

As soon as I got off work I went up to be with him, planning on spending the night. I walked into a room full of people. All the love that was being shown for such an amazing man was heart warming.

I love this man so much that it hurts to see him in any pain at all.

His brother flew up to be with him, his brother's daughter was here with her oldest. My aunt was here with her son. My biological father and my step mom was here with their youngest son. My sister's youngest son and his father were here. They were here to say goodbye to man who gave his all to everyone around him. His only crime was that he cared too much for everyone else, and not enough for himself.

I watched as my aunt and her son leaned over him and said a prayer, their good byes, and their I love yous.

I know he can hear them, I can see it on his face. He has cried a few times at the acts of kindness, but his body can long produce the tears that it used to.

This is the time that we give back to him. I will do my best to be here to watch him take his last breath. I do realize that I have to work, that I have four children, and that the rest of life does not stop for one man's death.

Tonight, I have sat here and worked on my homework, while watching the man that has cared for me for the majority of my life, slip away. It is an honor to be able to be here with him and he goes to be with my grandmother, they can finally enjoy their time together. When my journey is done, I know they will be there waiting for me.

"The News" that no one wants to hear

Yesterday, January 27, 2011, I took half a day off from work, as I was laying on the couch resting with the cat, I got a phone call. A kidney specialist had just seen Grandpa and called to let me know that the news was not good.
She was a very caring and nice doctor who even said she hates to have these talks over the phone.

Basically, his kidneys are failing him. Back in June 2010 he was hospitalized because his kidneys were failing, so this was not the first time. There are a few options they are looking at for why his kidneys could be failing, but if they cannot find a reason and reverse it, then he would need dialysis. Grandpa and I have already discussed this in the past and he is not willing to even consider dialysis. The doctor did say that she would agree with this decision.

I asked the question that would be on anyone's mind, how long can he live with failed kidneys and no dialysis? The answer was about 1 week. I was not expecting this news, although it was not unfathomable to think he could go at any moment. For the first time since this has started back in June, I cried. I cried off and on for an hour, and then I cried some more.

I opted to take the girls up to the hospital to see him more time, in case he got bad really fast. I didn't want to tell the younger two what was going on, but they are pretty perceptive and asked if Grandpa was dying.

So, at bedtime we talked and cried and discussed what it means to die, and when it will happen. Sometimes it is easier to talk about ahead of time, but other times it would be easier if I could just give them answers.

These talks bring in religious views, and what we do believe. I was raised to believe there was a God, but never worshiped. I have raised my girls in the church. Up until this last year, when I started working Sundays, we were at church more than half the year. They find comfort in knowing that Grandpa will be in heaven with God and watching over us. I found comfort in it as we talked about it last night.

Just as my evening was winding down and I was going to get my homework done, my husband called. It turns out he was having an allergic reaction to something he ate or drank at work. I ended up calling my oldest and having her come back and spend the night so I could take him to the ER.

You know you have been in the ER too much when they recognize you, especially a busy ER.

Today, January 28, 2011, Grandpa signed the will. This has been years in the making, and as he is laying on his death bed, we finally get him to sign the papers that give me the power to make sure that things are handled the way he wants them.

Next steps include making phone calls to let all the family know what is going on. I did call my uncle, who lives with Grandpa. He was up visiting at the time the doctor visited so I thought he knew and I just wanted to make sure. He ended up calling my birth father, and confusing the entire situation.

My sister, who had been caring for Grandpa, has not gone to see him during this current hospitalization. She saw him once in the first week, never at the skilled nursing facility, and once during the second hospitalization.

I am a little surprised at those who had claimed to care so much for this man, have not made an appearance up there.

Today he had visitors from work, and it was nice for him to see them. By the time I got up there he was pretty tired and really needed to rest.

Tomorrow I will go see him. I have another nearly child free day.

Tonight, I will rest and remember the man who has been my father for so many years.

A Day Off

Today I took a day off from visiting Grandpa. I did feel a lot of guilt, but at the same time I needed to take some time with the girls and to heal myself.

I woke up definitely sick, and it was rough for me to make it through the day today.

My younger two girls take dance, and today was ballet and tap for the 9 year old. This generally means that I rush from work to dance with her in tow, and then spend 1.5 hours hanging out and entertaining the 6 year old. Today, instead of running around, we came back home and I took a nap. I was too tired to do much of anything else.

After dance we went to dinner and played a game of checkers. It was nice to sit and relax a little with the girls and teach them a new game. They were both welcomed learning strategies for playing checkers. It was a lot of fun to watch them work out the strategies in their heads.

When we came home I ran them a bath and let them play in the tub for awhile. They really enjoyed it and it was a nice quiet evening, they even went to bed without any issues tonight.

All of the girls have been amazing, not just tonight, but for the last several weeks. My oldest has stepped up and helped me out with her younger siblings. She is willing to drive them around and do whatever I need her to do. The youngest two have been super patient while I spend all of my free time with Grandpa.

I do believe this is a testament to my parenting skills, my girls understand that this is important and that there are times when another person's needs come before all else. While this might seem like an easy task for most, I had to learn how to be a good parent on my own. Having my parents leave when I was at such a young age really left a hole in my life. I have struggled for nearly 40 years to fill this void.

Having these girls turn into such amazing people as a direct result of what I have shown them, fills me with pride an accomplishment. These girls love me unconditionally, and this was not something I ever had growing up. The love is returned to them just as unconditionally, and they know that.

To that end, I have really tried to make it a point to spend one night a week with them and really let them be as clingy as they need to be.

Tonight I got a call from my aunt, who was up visiting Grandpa, and she wanted to know if I was coming up. Unfortunately he did not remember that I was not. I did feel a lot of guilt with that call, but at the same time, I know what I was doing was important too.

Tomorrow will be another day and we will see how much we can get done.

Gaining Strength

Yesterday, January 24, 2010, we took the girls up to see Grandpa. He really looked better and lit up when the girls came in, it was nice to see. He teared up a little as they gave him hugs and kisses.

He was able to put his glasses on by himself and was able to eat by himself.

When I saw him happy and stronger, I was relieved. I realized that I have been holding in the emotions and when I saw that he was getting better I felt less stress.

His youngest sister was leaving as we arrived, she has been amazing in helping with his care and really watching out for him.

I do wish that there was more family to share these responsibilities, I feel overwhelmed with all that I feel like I need to do. There is no way that just one person can do it all, and it amazes me that I continually try to take on the full burden myself..

Yesterday I worked, came home and worked on homework while my husband took our youngest to dance. He then came home and we took three out of the four girls to Arby's for dinner and then to the hospital. We came home so I could finish my homework and get the little girls to bed.

It is a daunting day for any one person, and I am catching a cold on top of it all. I ponder if I should even go visit him with a cold, but at the same time, I never want him to feel like we are abandoning him.

I know what that feels like, to have everyone that you have ever known and loved leave. I strive to prevent that feeling in others, which sometimes pushing myself past the point of exhaustion.

Tonight, January 25, 2010, I went up to see Grandpa alone.

He was doing even better tonight and really looked stronger. It is nice to see him so strong. His sister was leaving again as I got there, so it was a good trade off. I ordered his dinner and visited with him.

He made a comment about the weight I have gained over the years. It reminds me of the comments that my grandmother used to make about my weight and made me feel a little uncomfortable, almost like I needed to defend my right to be overweight. I am nearly 40 years old, I do not need to answer to them.

As the evening progressed I realized I would need to stay and help him eat, and so I contacts my 14 year old to let her know that I would be a little later. I then helped Grandpa to eat his dinner. He has been having issues swallowing lately, and tonight it ended in him vomiting up the macaroni and cheese that we ordered.

I don't know why he does it, but sometimes when he is drinking the liquids will almost foam up. This makes me think that he is having more trouble with his lungs than we had suspected. It is something that we need to talk to a doctor about, but I am never there when a doctor is there, and they aren't calling me daily this time.

While talking to him tonight, I have decided that we need to sit down and really outline his health issues with him. I would like him to make an informed decision. He "jokes" about wanting to just shoot himself, but I know this isn't really a joke.

His quality of life will not be what he wants it to be, and at some point we really do need to talk about what he wants to do. Does he want us to make him comfortable and let him die with dignity, or does he want us to take him back to the hospital and let them save him again. With his failing organs, it is a valid option to just let him die peacefully. It won't be an easy thing to watch for me, but I do believe it will be much more humane.

Back to the hospital

Yesterday, January 22, 2011, I had planned a very low key day. All four of my girls were away for the weekend and my husband was working all day. Sounds like something dreams are made of.

I spent most of the day relaxing and watching TV, around 4:30 I decided I should get up and get dressed to go see grandpa. I got up there at about 5:50 and walked into a smell that just assaulted the nose. He had apparently not been able to make it to the toilet, and they had been trying to keep up with it.

After the initial shock, I noticed that he was shaking again, and looked bad. I tried to feed him some dinner but he did not want to eat. Both of these are signs that things are not going well with his body.

He said he needed to go to the bathroom so I called the intern in to help him, but he needed additional help so he grabbed a bedpan. It was too late and another cleaning was needed.

The nurse came in to assess him again and I spoke with her. He had a fever and was disoriented again, definitely looking like another trip to the ER.

She called in the orders and I got ready to meet my husband at the house so we could take one car to the hospital, we stopped to get some food and to call our 9 year old, it was her birthday as well.

We arrived at the hospital about 8:30 and went back to see him, they had him in a larger room and were working on him so we sat in the waiting room for an hour waiting to be called back. Finally we went back to check on him.

It was determined that he had a urinary tract infection, and some other infections in his legs. His temp was 103 and they were having a hard time getting it lowered. He would be admitted again. We stayed until he was comfortably in his room at midnight and then headed back home.

While speaking with the admitting doctor we learned of a few more ailments and it was suggested that we just not bring him back in at some point. Basically, it was suggested that we let him die.

While this is hard to hear for most, I am level headed, and I know that if this were a pet I would have already put him out of his misery. I do not like seeing things/people suffer, and I realize that his quality of life is nowhere near where he would want it.

That will be an interesting conversation to have at some point.

This morning, January 23, 2011, as I was getting my tea, I received a call from the nurse in charge of him. He was "pissed off" and wanted to know why he wasn't being fed. He was not sure where he was and what was going on, but he was obviously feeling better.

I called my husband, but was unable to wake him, so I quickly ran home and asked him to go to the hospital to see what was happening. It turns out grandpa needed an ultrasound and was not able to eat because of that, he was not understanding this.

My husband got him breakfast and ordered lunch and dinner for him. He left when my aunt, my grandpa's youngest sister arrived.

I arrived after I took a test for school, he was sleeping so I let him sleep and dozed in the chair by his side. When dinner arrived I fed him and helped to get him settled for the night. I spoke with the nurse and made sure to let him know that I can be called at any time.

I got home in time to get my two youngest girls from my in laws and work on a little homework before crashing for the night.

His list of chronic ailments, that I can remember, includes:
failed liver
failing kidneys
small cell lymphoma and another type of leukemia
(the cancers are located in his lymph nodes in his lungs for now)
congestive heart failure
diabetes
enlarged prostate
over active thyroid
he has had a class A stroke(not sure what that is)
diabetic neuropathy

After reading this over I realized that this was a very clinical and emotionless entry. I am having a hard time allowing myself to process all the emotions that I feel at the moment over this situation. I am trying to stay level headed so that the best decisions can be made for the man in that bed at the hospital. Emotions, at this point, won't help to make him better or make the right decisions for him.

I pulled away last night while I was listening to the doctor's assessment and I have not allowed myself to feel all the grief that is building inside. There will be a time and a place for that, right now, I need to keep my focus and make sure that he is receiving what he needs from the staff, no matter where he is.

Getting Caught Up

Like most people in this situation, I have decided to blog about my experiences. It isn't to really help anyone but myself. My one selfish act.

A very close family member is dying. While we all are dying, his end is getting closer and closer. He is a man I have called Grandpa, but he is so much more than that. My grandpa was more of a father than I could have hoped for. He took my sister and I in when he definitely did not have to. Grandpa and Grandma were on their way to a happy existence, empty nest, and peaceful days. Instead, they took in a 2 year old and an infant, to raise as their own.

This was a time when this was not so "cool" to do. My family always stuck out from the others at school, but it was always my family.

Legally he adopted me when I was 9, and in the fourth grade.

It was 1980 and we were just getting ready for our Halloween party, we still had those back then. I got a call to come to the office where my sister and my biological father and soon to be step mom were waiting for me. I was informed that we were going to go away with them to their wedding, I was scared and unsure what was happening. Though I knew my father, I hadn't spent much time with him in years, and he had certainly never gone to the school before. As it turns out the school secretary knew something was up and called my grandmother. She was already on her way with cupcakes for the class parties, so she hurried up to ensure that we were not taken that day.

The rest of the adoption process was a bit of a blur, I remember being out of school for a few days while they got the legalities settled. I also remember being afraid that some men in an unmarked van were going to pull up and take me away. I had an over active imagination back then.

Nothing really changed in my life, I lived with my grandparents just as I had since I was a toddler.

We buried my grandmother 10 years ago last August. It was a pretty tough loss on us all. She was the mother my own mother never could be, and someone I looked up to. She helped to shape me into the woman I am today.

Now my grandfather is sick, and I am struggling to give him a death with dignity. To ensure that he is well cared for as his body betrays him. His organs are slowly shutting down, and he has been in and out of the hospital since June of 2010.

It was then that we learned of the failure or his liver. Because he had not been eating or drinking enough his kidneys were trying to shut down as well. Further testing also revealed a small cell lymphoma, that is centered in the lymph nodes in his lungs. As of November 2010 this had not spread to his bone marrow.

He is also a diabetic, and with that comes diabetic neuropathy, and he is no longer able to feel pain in many of his extremities. He gets sores on his feet and legs, and is not able to tell anyone how much they hurt, or even that they are there.

This last episode began as we rang in the New Year. I was called to the house that he owns, where my sister and uncle had been caring for him, because he was a little cranky and just out of it.

He had not eaten much that day and his blood sugars had not been checked. We talked over his care with my sister and uncle and I was told that he was getting to be a bit much for them to care for. His needs were getting to be greater than they were able to give. We discussed a few options and I had decided to come back and sit and talk with him.

The next day I stopped by after work and we discussed assisted living, and he had agreed to let me look at a few places and get a feel for them. On Monday I went to tour my first assisted living home, that night I took him to the hospital.

He was in the hospital from Monday evening, 01-03-11, until that Friday, 01-07-11. From the hospital he went into a skilled nursing facility, where they began to work on making him stronger so that he could live more independently.

He was healing well and looking good, but on Saturday, 01-15-11, I noticed some shaking. This indicates that his body is having some trouble. By Sunday night he was shaking pretty hard. On Monday I got a call at work letting me know he had fallen. I went to visit him Monday evening, he had just received his first does of a powerful drug to remove the ammonia from his system. I just had this feeling that he was not doing well. He fell asleep as we were visiting, but he was disoriented and agitated. I received a call asking me to come sit with him, since he does better if we are there.

We were able to cover most of the evening, and my husband went in on Tuesday morning to check on him. He was violent and agitated, and really just not doing well. Tuesday evening he was transported back to the hospital. Over the last few days he has regained some strength and all of his ability to recognize people.

It is rough to see him in the condition he is in now. He was the man I looked up to for so many years, and now, he is the man I will ensure has a death with as much dignity as I possibly can.

Tonight, 01-21-11, he is resting comfortably in his bed in the skilled nursing facility.